There comes a point in healing where we realize the parts of ourselves we once tried to outrun are not our enemies. They are the wounded versions of us who did what they could to survive, to feel, to connect. The real question is: Can we love even the most shameful parts of ourselves?
This question lingers, heavy and unrelenting. We spend so much of our lives believing that self-worth is conditional, that only the good parts of us deserve love. But what about the parts we’ve hidden? The ones we were taught to be ashamed of. The ones that led us into self-sabotage, obsession, or choices we later questioned?
For a long time, I carried no shame around my sexuality. While others may have seen desire as a “dark side,” I always viewed it as part of the human experience. I never judged people for how they expressed their emotions through intimacy, nor did I judge myself. For me, sex was not just physical; it was the vehicle through which I felt and expressed emotions that had no words. It was raw, instinctual, and unfiltered, a space where I could exist without overthinking.
But something shifted when I began my healing journey.
Healing Meant Changing My Relationship with Expression
I didn’t make a conscious decision to stop having sex, it just happened. The more intentional I became about my healing, the more I realized I was no longer following past patterns. For the first time, I wasn’t using intimacy as a way to access emotions; I was sitting with them, processing them in real time.
And then something even more unexpected happened: I wasn’t attracted to anyone.
Not because I had shut myself down, but because I was no longer drawn to people in the same way. I wasn’t chasing intensity. I wasn’t confusing longing with love. I wasn’t seeking something outside of myself to validate what was missing within.
It wasn’t about repression; it was about alignment.
Then, after a period of emotional quiet, someone appeared. And suddenly, I felt something again.
Recognizing Growth Through a New Connection
By all accounts, this person should have triggered every past wound I had. If I had met him before, I would have fallen into old patterns; idealizing, obsessing, running, or self-sabotaging.
But this time, it was different. I was different.
The way I processed my emotions had changed, and because of that, the way I experienced connection had changed too. I wasn’t rushing. I wasn’t creating a fantasy to fill the gaps of what I didn’t know. Instead, I was allowing things to unfold without forcing an outcome.
I realized the biggest difference wasn’t in him; it was in me.
The old me would have tried to control the situation out of fear; fear of getting hurt, fear of uncertainty, fear of not knowing where things were going. But now, I see the power in letting go. I don’t need to know. I don’t need to control. I just need to be present.
From Control to Trust: The Real Transformation
This shift in mindset didn’t happen overnight. It came from recognizing my own urges; the impulse to grip too tightly, to anticipate rejection before it happened to either dive all in or run away completely. But each time those thoughts surfaced, I stopped myself. I reminded myself:
“This is not then. You are not who you were. Let things flow.”
And when I did? Everything felt better.
This doesn’t mean I don’t feel intensity or attraction; it means I no longer feel consumed by it. If this connection turns into something deeper, I will welcome it. If it remains a friendship, I will release it with peace. Either way, I know I will be okay.
Because I no longer need someone to fill a space within me. I am already whole.
Embracing the Old Me with Love
If the old me could see me now, she would hug me. She would thank me for saving her from herself.
Not by rejecting her, but by embracing her. By saying:
“I see you. I understand why you did what you did. But we don’t have to live that way anymore.”
Healing is not about disowning who we were. It’s about making peace with the parts of ourselves that were once desperate for love in all the wrong places. It’s about loving even the most shameful parts, because they were never shameful to begin with.
They were just parts of us waiting to be understood.
And now, they finally are.
Healing isn’t linear, and it isn’t about becoming a new person; it’s about becoming more of yourself without the weight of past wounds dictating your choices.
If you find yourself in a place where old patterns feel tempting, pause. Ask yourself:
- Am I acting from love or from fear?
- Am I chasing intensity, or am I allowing connection to build naturally?
- Am I trying to control something because I’m scared of what will happen if I don’t?
The more you ask these questions, the more you begin to trust yourself and the less power those old patterns have over you.
And one day, without even realizing it, you’ll find yourself standing in a moment that once would have broken you… and you won’t break.
You will simply be.
You will finally be free.
About the Author:
Michelle Cuello (Mia) is a writer and artist exploring themes of healing, identity, and emotional depth. Her upcoming books, Ashes Before Dawn and The Air Never Breathed This Heavy, blend poetic storytelling with personal truth, offering reflections for those who ache, heal, and rise.